we're about to embark on a new journey here in the cunningham household. e will attend kindergarten and i have mixed feelings about it. although i won't miss the fighting with milan etc, i will miss his innocence and mourn the loss of his infant/toddler stage. it's quite sad. i know he'll thrive and do well (hoping he keeps his anger in check), but i will be a bit at a loss.
we're also moving forward with our plans to give another girl life...either through conception or adoption. we are sitting down and moving forward with this..and it scares me. what if's and should have's, could have's are ruling my brain right now. but, i'm trying to remain optimisitc about life in general...and accepting of the way things will work out. i know i am a good mama..if i could just accept the hole that is in my heart and truly enjoy my kids, then i'd be okay. i don't like labels and stereotypes, but i hate to think of myself as the 'mom of all boys'...and, yet, it's the biggest way i define myself. i'm losing myself. i need to find a new identity. is that future pastry chef? pregnancy/infant loss advocate? writer? or maybe all?
fingers crossed for us...please!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
warning: a rant to follow
so, i'm getting really miffed about STRANGERS making comments about my life. they've annoyed me since olivia died (you know the ones: "what? no girl?" kind of comments). anyway, i've let things slide or sometimes, i make them really uncomfortable and tell them that my daughter died. lately, strangers have stepped in when i'm dealing with my own kids when it's NOT their business or when they do not know the context of the situation. why do strangers feel it's okay to comment on someone else's life without really knowing them? for fun? out of boredom? to be nosy? to be helpful? WHAT is it???
so, here's what happened. at the pool today, m got out and he was cold. clearly. it's been cloudy and yes, COLD, when they are at swimming. but, he does this thing where he chatters his jaw together on purpose just to be funny. but, lately, it's more annoying than anything because as he is chattering, he CAN NOT DO anything else, e.g. get dressed. now, perhaps i should have more patience, but i've got three kids. two who refuse to get dressed on their own - or merely help out - when they are out of the pool. on top of that, it's nearing lunch time and the baby is tired AND hungry. am i asking for sometihng huge here? no, just a little help....start disrobing or something. so, back to milan. here he is chattering his lips after he's all dressed and eating a sandwich. i'm dressing ely because apparently the 5 yr old has forgotten how to, and m's chattering is really starting to get under my skin. granted, i didn't have my morning workout OR my morning coffee OR food of any kind in my belly. so, i tell m to eat his sandwich and stop chattering. but he continues and i tell him to cut it out. then, this very calm woman (with daughters of course) tells me "well, he's freezing!" i look at her and say 'yes, i know he's cold, but the chattering is something he does ALL THE TIME even out of the bath to be funny, but now, it's NOT funny and i'm tired of hearing it ALL THE TIME." she says ,"oh" and tries to change the subject. she asks me what m is eating because she has picky eaters and it looks really good and perhaps her kids would enjoy it. in the nicest, calmest, i give-a-shit-kind of voice, i tell her that it's turkey with cream cheese on whole wheat. i smile, gather the kids up and we leave the pool.
now, it could have gone down much differently if i had my druthers. i could have exploded and told her to mind her own fucking business since she clearly has no context for my comment. or, i could have told her to walk in my shoes for a day - dealing with constant grief, a depression that does not want to lift, and NO family, nanny, friends etc who let me have a BREAK from these kids for more than 2 hours. oh, did i want to tell her to fuck off and mind her own business but, i didn't.
even though i was not happy with the intrusion, this stranger encounter did do one positive thing: reminded me to take time out and just breathe...to TRY to understand that these little people don't have anything to do with my shit...that they just had the misfortune of having me as a mommy post-dead babies. i WILL try to be better, i told myself. i WILL try to lower my voice and be less forceful. i WILL try to love them harder especially in times when all i want to do is scream at them.
as for strangers, here's my advice: be mindful of the fact that you DO NOT know everyone's situation. you are CLUELESS actually. so, STOP butting in! just STOP! next time you see a stressed out mommy of all boys, put yourself in her shoes. don't ask her if she's going to try for a girl. don't judge her when she is short with her kids because you don't know that she has told them to do something or to NOT do something 10 times before she is stern with them. don't assume that she isn't a good mommy based on this one instance because she tries to be every day! she's just a mommy who is in pain and that can sometimes cloud her love for her kids or make her act in ways that she's not proud of. finally, don't MAKE stupid comments or intervene unless she asks for your input or help. that, my friends, is a stranger-encounter i look forward to...
so, here's what happened. at the pool today, m got out and he was cold. clearly. it's been cloudy and yes, COLD, when they are at swimming. but, he does this thing where he chatters his jaw together on purpose just to be funny. but, lately, it's more annoying than anything because as he is chattering, he CAN NOT DO anything else, e.g. get dressed. now, perhaps i should have more patience, but i've got three kids. two who refuse to get dressed on their own - or merely help out - when they are out of the pool. on top of that, it's nearing lunch time and the baby is tired AND hungry. am i asking for sometihng huge here? no, just a little help....start disrobing or something. so, back to milan. here he is chattering his lips after he's all dressed and eating a sandwich. i'm dressing ely because apparently the 5 yr old has forgotten how to, and m's chattering is really starting to get under my skin. granted, i didn't have my morning workout OR my morning coffee OR food of any kind in my belly. so, i tell m to eat his sandwich and stop chattering. but he continues and i tell him to cut it out. then, this very calm woman (with daughters of course) tells me "well, he's freezing!" i look at her and say 'yes, i know he's cold, but the chattering is something he does ALL THE TIME even out of the bath to be funny, but now, it's NOT funny and i'm tired of hearing it ALL THE TIME." she says ,"oh" and tries to change the subject. she asks me what m is eating because she has picky eaters and it looks really good and perhaps her kids would enjoy it. in the nicest, calmest, i give-a-shit-kind of voice, i tell her that it's turkey with cream cheese on whole wheat. i smile, gather the kids up and we leave the pool.
now, it could have gone down much differently if i had my druthers. i could have exploded and told her to mind her own fucking business since she clearly has no context for my comment. or, i could have told her to walk in my shoes for a day - dealing with constant grief, a depression that does not want to lift, and NO family, nanny, friends etc who let me have a BREAK from these kids for more than 2 hours. oh, did i want to tell her to fuck off and mind her own business but, i didn't.
even though i was not happy with the intrusion, this stranger encounter did do one positive thing: reminded me to take time out and just breathe...to TRY to understand that these little people don't have anything to do with my shit...that they just had the misfortune of having me as a mommy post-dead babies. i WILL try to be better, i told myself. i WILL try to lower my voice and be less forceful. i WILL try to love them harder especially in times when all i want to do is scream at them.
as for strangers, here's my advice: be mindful of the fact that you DO NOT know everyone's situation. you are CLUELESS actually. so, STOP butting in! just STOP! next time you see a stressed out mommy of all boys, put yourself in her shoes. don't ask her if she's going to try for a girl. don't judge her when she is short with her kids because you don't know that she has told them to do something or to NOT do something 10 times before she is stern with them. don't assume that she isn't a good mommy based on this one instance because she tries to be every day! she's just a mommy who is in pain and that can sometimes cloud her love for her kids or make her act in ways that she's not proud of. finally, don't MAKE stupid comments or intervene unless she asks for your input or help. that, my friends, is a stranger-encounter i look forward to...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
some thoughts & ely-isms
so, my friend always talks about 'momisms' when her mom says things that don't quite make sense or come out like conventional wisdom knows the phrases to be. well, i thought i'd pay homage to her and put my own spin on it: ely-isms. let's face it - kids can be pretty funny without trying to be. so, today...on our walk back from freddie's, we saw remnants of a small housefire: burned bushes, peeled off siding, busted windows and screens. here's what went down after we witnessed the carnage:
ely: "whoa! look at that. wow, those people are really mean to trees! they won't be able to give us oxygen anymore."
me: "gosh, i hope no one was hurt."
ely: "well, those trees were hurt - really hurt. so, maybe we should call the COBS on those people who started the fire."
me: "HA! you mean, COPS?"
on another note, i've been doing alot of thinking about honoring olivia's memory. she would have been due on august 6th and that day is fast approaching...and i'm not doing terribly well with the processing of everything. it's amazing, even after almost 8 years, i still can be taken down to my knees with grief.
this year, i want to do something different. i want to honor her in a more public, positive way instead of just doing something on my own. i'm thinking big here: something like starting a non-profit that might support families who have lost children at local hospitals who don't do a good job of supporting parents dealing with this. or, maybe something like a balloon release; planting a memory garden in a public place; a poetry post or something like that so that OTHERS can become aware of her short life. i like the idea of sewing special grief quilts or making something to provide families with something concrete. when parents lose babies during pregnancy, often there are no markers - no real images - of existence. i have struggled with this myself and want others to not have to. when olivia died, i thought it was really creepy that the hospital gave me a miniature (aka doll) dress and booties etc for my dead baby. that just creeped me out. so, not sure that a memory quilt or something like that would make someone feel good or not. i do like what the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organiation does. these are some things i've been pondering for a a while, just need to make some decisions now. hoping to get some feedback from anyone! thoughts? anyone? not like anyone reads my blog!
ely: "whoa! look at that. wow, those people are really mean to trees! they won't be able to give us oxygen anymore."
me: "gosh, i hope no one was hurt."
ely: "well, those trees were hurt - really hurt. so, maybe we should call the COBS on those people who started the fire."
me: "HA! you mean, COPS?"
on another note, i've been doing alot of thinking about honoring olivia's memory. she would have been due on august 6th and that day is fast approaching...and i'm not doing terribly well with the processing of everything. it's amazing, even after almost 8 years, i still can be taken down to my knees with grief.
this year, i want to do something different. i want to honor her in a more public, positive way instead of just doing something on my own. i'm thinking big here: something like starting a non-profit that might support families who have lost children at local hospitals who don't do a good job of supporting parents dealing with this. or, maybe something like a balloon release; planting a memory garden in a public place; a poetry post or something like that so that OTHERS can become aware of her short life. i like the idea of sewing special grief quilts or making something to provide families with something concrete. when parents lose babies during pregnancy, often there are no markers - no real images - of existence. i have struggled with this myself and want others to not have to. when olivia died, i thought it was really creepy that the hospital gave me a miniature (aka doll) dress and booties etc for my dead baby. that just creeped me out. so, not sure that a memory quilt or something like that would make someone feel good or not. i do like what the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organiation does. these are some things i've been pondering for a a while, just need to make some decisions now. hoping to get some feedback from anyone! thoughts? anyone? not like anyone reads my blog!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
tattoos
i came home from a wonderfully relaxing acupuncture appointment to find this:
i guess ely can always fall back on being a tattoo artist. those were some pretty good drawings on m's legs if you ask me.
i guess ely can always fall back on being a tattoo artist. those were some pretty good drawings on m's legs if you ask me.
Friday, July 16, 2010
it goes on and on
time that is. i've been thinking alot lately about time passing by...aging and the like. i see my kids aging before my eyes. i see myself aging before my eyes (can we say crow's feet?). and, while all this knowing should light a spark under my ass and make me live life to the fullest, it is FREAKING me out! i'm depressed and anxious about it. e is heading off to kindergarten and i'm literally having sleepless nights about it already. about. all. of. it...the back to school shopping, the drop offs and of course the turning into a school aged kid. not ready to be a mom of a kindergartener. i know it's life and that is what happens, but man - it is literally bumming me out. how do you get out of the aging funk? i've got a few things up my sleeve: run some races, have more babies, become a pastry chef...just some things i'd like to do sooner rather than later (esp the middle one!).
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
back from the beach
we got back from our week long stay in manzanita, oregon with my sister and her family. the photo above is of cory (the brother in law) and dario our dog. the beach was gorgeous. however, there were 5 boys, 5 and under! can i say CHAOS??? it was crazy. it would have been fun because the weather was great had we all not gotten sick. it started off as just a cold until m got an ear infection and a 104 degree fever. then, e dropped and f got it on saturday. all my guys (including c) have been on antibiotics. in between the sniffling, sneezing and drugging, i did manage to comb the beaches and chill with my sister. that was nice. we didn't sleep much, so i feel like we need a do-over vacation. i think in the future, we will each get our own homes..it's too much to cook for everyone and listen to the screeching (ahem, leo!).
so, now we're back home finishing our meds and trying to just take it easy. i have no desire to drive anywhere or plan any events or the like. luckily, i have homebody kids who like to play legos, draw, romp in the yard and chill in front of the tube. i need this...my body is tired. here's to rejuvenating.
Friday, July 2, 2010
bike vs car...car always wins
c got hit by a car yesterday while he was biking to work. car ran a red light. this is his second bike vs car accident in 6 months or so. repaired bike is now destroyed again. he was really shaken up and beat up. i am really scared to death of him dying on the road. makes you really think about what's important in life. bitching about the clothes on the floor is not at all important as kissing your loved ones each day and making sure you say i love you every day. we're in the midst of insurance claims and probably pt visits...thank god it's not worse like making funeral arrangements.
cars...watch out for bikes!
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